


goodbye

by orphan_account



Series: 30 weeks of writing prompts [7]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Break Up, F/F, Inspired by Poetry, Lists, Painting, Post-Break Up, Reader-Insert, rupi kapur poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-12-23 19:58:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21086963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: summary: you do all 16 things you should do after a break up in hopes of moving on from MJ(Week 7 of my 30 week prompt challenge: breaking up)





	goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off the poem “to do list (after the breakup)” by rupi kaur, from her book “milk and honey”

1\. take refuge in your bed

The pro of being dumped right before spring break was that you had the entire spring break to get over being broken up with. The con of being dumped right before spring break was that you had the entirety of spring break to think about MJ and the breakup. 

Lying in your bed, memories of MJ replaying through your head. You were curled up underneath a few layers of blankets, seeking refuge from the chilly New York spring that seemed to still feel like winter. This was your first break up ever and there were certain things you should do, according to your experienced friends.

They told you that laying in bed for hours on end and feeling emotions was totally normal. So, instead of doing the generous amount of homework teachers assigned, you were bundled up in your blankets, wallowing in pity, which was supposed to be a good thing. The only reasons you got up was to get water and food (mainly ice cream) or to use the bathroom.

Your parents knew that MJ broke up with you and didn’t pressure you to get out of bed or to do work; they understood that you were mourning a loss and gave you plenty of space. Unlike how one could get tired from sitting in a chair for long periods of time, one could never get tired of lying in bed. While lying in bed, you had tried to watch funny clips from talk shows and adorable videos of animals that would make you smile until your cheeks hurt, but they only temporarily distracted you from the pain. 

Most of the time, you just stared at your colorful bedroom walls or mindlessly browsed through photos of you and MJ in your camera roll that you couldn’t bring yourself to delete. You knew you would have to move on eventually but right now, you decided to indulge in the sharp pain of the shards of a failed love.

2\. cry. till the tears stop (this will take a few days)

In addition to lying in bed for hours on end, thinking about MJ, you also coped with your emotions by crying. Crying is generally a healthy way to cope with emotions but you had cried so much in the past few days that you were starting to get worried about your own health. 

Through the multiple days of crying and lying in your bed, you discovered there were different types of crying. The first type was crying after an event just happened, the pain still fresh in your heart. It was an intense cry, tears punctuated by small hiccups as you tried to breathe through the nonstop sobs climbing up your throat. The second type was crying a few hours later, remembering that you had just been separated from the love of your life. The third type of crying was the crying that occurred through the last couple of days of spring break; the type where you would cry into your pillow or tissues during random periods of time, a different type of grief mixed with withdrawal ejected into your tears.

Finally, the crying stopped and the rivers in your eyes were controlled.

3\. don’t listen to slow songs

Once school started again, you decided that you shouldn’t continue moping or else people would pester you with more questions about you and MJ. You had already gotten quite a few questions and it took all your willpower not to start crying when you answered their prodding questions.

In order to deal with all the curious people, you decided that you should try to improve your mood and that staying positive would help you deal with your emotions. So, you scrapped the playlist that you made for crying sessions that mainly had slow, sad songs and made an entirely new playlist titled with a simple smiley face.

In that playlist, you included songs that were made to boost one’s mood, such as “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen, and played the playlist whenever you could, usually between classes or when you were walking home.

The fast, upbeat songs did help improve your moods a few times but most of the time, it was just a temporary band-aid to help soothe the pain of breaking away from MJ.

4\. delete their number from your phone even though it is memorized on your fingertips

If you had a dollar every time you picked up your phone wanting to call MJ, you would be richer than any president in the world. Fortunately, you had a lot of self-control and even though you would go to her contact and hover your finger above the “call” button, you would never press down. 

During spring break, you noted the absence of MJ, even more, when you instinctively began texting her about your feelings, something you always did when you two were dating, but you always deleted your messages before sending them. So many messages were the same phrases repeated over and over again and you wanted nothing more but to let her see all the pain you were experiencing. 

You knew that you were bound to accidentally call her or send a composed text so you deleted her number from your phone, even though it was etched into the walls of your heart and probably would never be forgotten.

5\. don’t look at old photos

Technically, you had already broken the rule of “don’t look at old photos” during spring break but starting from now, you promised that you wouldn’t look at old photos, no matter how hard it would be. You promised yourself that you wouldn’t delete them but wait until you were ready to look at them and not feel pain upon seeing the smile of MJ’s face.

The hardest part was changing your phone’s wallpaper so it was no longer a picture of you and MJ smiling while hugging each other in front of a beautiful water fountain. Now, your wallpaper was simply a photo of the vast blue sea, filled with the uncertainty of waves and darkness.

6\. find the closest ice cream shop and treat yourself to two scoops of mint chocolate chip, the min will calm your heart. you deserve the chocolate

Even though a dark cloud seemed to envelop you ever since the breakup, things were starting to get better and you felt ready to let go. You were proud of yourself for slowly getting better, even if it took longer than you expected.

This led to you deciding to treat yourself with a scoop of ice cream at your favorite ice cream shop. After school on Friday, you stopped by the ice cream shop and ordered a scoop of mint chocolate chip, your favorite flavor. You were in no rush to get home so once you got your scoop, you ate your ice cream as you watched people walk past the shop. 

The sun was starting to peek out of the clouds and for the first time since MJ left you, you couldn’t help but smile.

7\. buy new bed sheets

You couldn’t look at your bed sheets anymore. Every time you saw them, you were reminded of her or reminded of lying in bed after crying about her. You had these bed sheets for almost three years and while they did have some sentimental value, you wanted to get new ones. Luckily, your mother understood and you bought new bedsheets online.

They arrived within a few days and after laying them out on your bed, you felt as though you could finally get a fresh start.

8\. collect all the gifts, t-shirts, and everything with their smell on it and drop it off at a donation center

When people say they did some spring cleaning, you highly doubted that their definition of spring cleaning was the same as yours. On a weekend, you finally gathered up the nerve to collect all the items MJ gave to you as gifts and anything else that had her scent on it and put it in a box labeled “Donation”. It would be a shame to see all those items thrown away so you decided to donate them all to the local Goodwill.

As you handed the box over to the person who was working at the store, she asked if these items were all yours and instead of giving a complete answer, you simply managed a smile and vaguely answered, “They don’t belong to me now.”

9\. plan a trip

Getting out of New York to clear your head was another great idea suggested by your friends. They all saw that you were getting better and didn’t need to listen to your forcefully upbeat playlist to be happy so they planned a trip to Hawaii with you. 

That trip was one of the best vacations of your life. It was a long weekend as teachers had some sort of events that resulted in the cancellation of three days of school after a weekend and during those five free days, you were in Hawaii with your friends, having a great time without MJ by your side.

10\. perfect the art of smiling and nodding when someone brings their name up in conversation

Those two letters next to each other in any conversation was always devastating. Even though you believed you were finally over MJ, anytime somebody brought her name up, you would involuntarily tense up and unintentionally inject stiffness into your words. But, after countless conversations where her name was brought up, you finally mastered the art of smiling and holding back any pain that threatened to spill out from between your lips.

11\. start a new project

The paintbrush no longer felt familiar to your fingers. At one point, you had painted whenever you could and that stopped once you reached high school. MJ did see a few of your paintings and asked a few times about it but you never fully explained why you loved painting so much. There wasn’t an exact reason you painted; perhaps it was a way for you to express yourself or maybe you just enjoyed the feeling of the brush gently dragging down a blank canvas. Either way, painting was one of your favorite hobbies and you decided to pick it up again.

Standing in front of a blank canvas propped up on your table surrounded by countless colors, you dipped your paintbrush in red and filled the empty canvas with colors.

12\. whatever you do, do not call

You entertained the possibility of calling MJ again. You were in a good place and maybe you could finally talk to her without breaking down into tears. Your fingers hovered over her numbers and you gritted your teeth as you looked up at the ceiling, trying to gauge whether this was a good idea or not. 

Logically, calling her would only bring you down to the place you were right after you two broke up but there was still a flicker of hope in you that maybe talking to her would help you move on. Your logical side won and you turned off your phone, setting it aside as the air you trapped in your lungs finally escaped.

13\. do not beg for what does not want to stay

Begging for forgiveness was always seen as losing but if it meant you could get MJ back, you were willing to concede. However, you were held back by your friends, who helped you calm down and delete the message you were about to send to MJ, asking for her forgiveness. They were right to do so as you needed to move on and there was no fixing what was broken.

14\. stop crying at some point

The rivers were back again and stronger than ever. Just when you thought you had gotten over her, something broke inside you again and tears began pouring out of your eyes as you clutched your pillow, willing for every emotion in you to just stop. 

Pain was prodding at your stitched up heart, threating to slice it open again and when you opened your eyes after the last of sobs left your chest, shadows were crawling on your ceiling. 

15\. allow yourself to feel foolish for believing you could’ve built the rest of your life in someone else’s stomach

You still couldn’t believe that you allowed yourself to hope that you and MJ could have a future together. Whenever you were with her, you always imagined that you would be able to hold her hand ten years from now and that you two would be cuddling in an apartment, content as you could be. Reality slammed that fantasy down but looking back, love had made you foolish enough to believe that everything could work out.

16\. Breathe

You take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and finally let go. Freedom.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr[@luckysam78](https://luckysam78.tumblr.com/)!  
here is [mj x reader masterlist](https://luckysam78.tumblr.com/post/186803573226/happy-forever-she-surprise-lovesick-collab-with)


End file.
